Modern Friendship: Why Selfishness Is Killing Your Relationships

“We tend to really notice when we are done wrong, when others are forgetting about us.”

Friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson recently analyzed her social media engagement and found a striking pattern: any time she posted content that positioned the viewer as the wronged party in a friendship dynamic—such as how to know if your friends are venting too much or why your friendship expectations feel mismatched—it consistently outperformed other posts among her 420,000-plus followers on Instagram and TikTok.

“We tend to really notice when we are done wrong, when others are forgetting about us. We are center to the story.”

Is Modern Friendship Becoming More Selfish?

Jackson’s observation reflects a broader shift in how people approach platonic relationships today. Experts say friendships are increasingly treated as transactional—engaged in only when convenient or beneficial, particularly when they serve the individual’s needs.

While most people claim friendship is important to them, their actions often tell a different story. We expect friends to attend our birthday parties but rarely hesitate to cancel plans last minute. We crave connection but only pursue it when conditions are ideal—right time, right place, right people. Otherwise, staying home feels like the easier choice.

William Chopik, an associate professor of social and personality psychology at Michigan State University, told Vox:

“The socializing opportunity has to be so overwhelmingly positive or appealing that it’ll tip the scale.”

Chopik also noted that platonic relationships are often secondary to romantic ones, treated as mere “nice-to-haves” to fill time when partners are unavailable. The rise of self-centered social media—where users are the main character—and the popularity of AI chatbots, which are always available and never tire of listening, may further distort our understanding of what it means to be a friend.

One of Chopik’s students even compared friends to NPCs (non-playable characters) in video games—background figures with no inner life or purpose of their own. While you are the protagonist of your own story, your friends are not the center of yours.

Selfishness Is the #1 Reason Friendships End

According to behavioral science research, selfishness is the biggest contributor to friendship breakups. The antidote? Stepping outside yourself and making a conscious effort to be a better friend. This doesn’t mean people-pleasing or becoming a doormat—it’s about considering how you can enrich your friends’ lives and fostering goodwill.

It’s also about evaluating what you bring to the table rather than focusing solely on what your friends can offer you. As Jackson puts it: Would you be friends with yourself?

How to Be a Better Friend in a Self-Centered World

• Show up consistently: Follow through on plans, even when it’s inconvenient.
• Practice active listening: Be present during conversations, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
• Celebrate their wins: Genuinely rejoice in your friends’ successes without comparison.
• Offer support unconditionally: Be there during tough times, not just when it’s easy or beneficial for you.
• Check in regularly: A simple message or call can mean more than you realize.

Friendship requires mutual effort, but in a world where convenience often trumps commitment, it’s up to each of us to prioritize connection over selfishness.