Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard—and How to Make It Easier

It recently dawned on me that I’m terrible at asking for help. But, to be fair, I never really needed to lean on others. Earlier this year, however, I developed pregnancy complications that required me to go on “modified bed rest” — a medical recommendation to restrict your activity levels. If I wanted a hearty home-cooked meal, someone would need to cook for me. My partner had to take over my dog walking responsibilities. I needed assistance changing my sheets, cleaning my apartment, bringing packages inside, and grocery shopping. Asking for help, I’ve discovered, is tremendously difficult.

Doing so puts you in a vulnerable position that can stir up intense feelings of failure and shame, especially in a place like the United States, where social norms emphasize independence. Feeling anxious about needing help is also common if you are a perfectionist who likes control, are part of a marginalized group that’s been conditioned to feel like a burden, or have a history of neglect or abuse and have learned to not rely on others, says Janelle Peifer, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Richmond.

This can be true no matter your exact situation. Maybe you’re really struggling after getting laid off or divorced. Or, perhaps, you just need a quick favor like an extra pair of hands packing up your apartment or a fresh set of eyes on your resume. Either way, it can feel awkward. But depending on others doesn’t need to be so daunting, and with a bit of preparation and a few shifts in your perspective, it can become not only easier, but also a powerful way to strengthen your connections.

How to Ask for Help Without Feeling Overwhelmed

Reflect on the Joy of Helping Others

When I first started reaching out to friends for favors, I felt like I was majorly inconveniencing them. “If you’re someone who hasn’t asked for help a lot or often, then it’s a big, scary thing to do,” says Cassidy Dallas, a psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts. Something that helped me get over that discomfort is reflecting on times I’ve helped other people — and I highly recommend you do the same. Maybe you helped a friend get ready to defend their master’s thesis, cooked a meal for a family member when they were sick, or simply brought a neighbor’s package inside. You probably didn’t feel like that person was a needy pest. The more likely scenario is that you felt great afterward, which is likely exactly how your crew feels when they do something for you, says Dallas.

Research shows that lending a helping hand — whether that is through volunteering, giving blood, donating money, or just making small gestures — is a potent mood booster. That’s because your body releases feel-good chemicals, like oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure), and serotonin (another mood-lifting