Brené Brown and Aiko Bethea on Why Core Values Should Guide Every Part of Your Life

Conflict, while uncomfortable, is a fact of life. However, few of us deal with it well—either we avoid it until it swells into resentment, or it explodes, creating damage we often fail to repair.

In her new book, Anchored, Aligned and Accountable: A Framework For Transcending B*llshit and Transforming Our Lives and Work (foreword by Brené Brown), leadership coach Aiko Bethea lays out a framework for transforming conflict into personal growth. For Fast Company, Brené Brown sat down with Aiko Bethea to discuss the cornerstones of the framework and how applying it can change our lives.

Brené Brown’s Framework Has Transformed Her Leadership and Relationships

Brené Brown: Your Anchored, Aligned and Accountable Framework has completely shifted how I lead and how I engage with my husband, kids, friends, and family. So I’ll start with saying thank you.

In both of our experiences helping folks identify their core values, we’re often asked: “Do you want me to focus on my professional or personal values?”

If the two of us are in a room together, we often share knowing glances and say, “Your core values drive all parts of your life. There is only one set of core values.”

Why Do We Compartmentalize Our Core Values?

Brené Brown asked Aiko Bethea: “What do you think drives the reflexive response to compartmentalize this way?”

Aiko Bethea: We’ve been trained to bifurcate ourselves. I’m at home Aiko and at work Aiko. That argument with my parent or partner isn’t expected to (or allowed to) show up at work with me. Then there are the other ways we divide ourselves so that we can fit in, be successful, or not be targeted or perceived as a threat. I speak with a softer tone. I may even laugh when I don’t think the joke is funny.

When you consider the ways we divide ourselves—it makes sense to assume these very different versions of ourselves would have different values. However, we are the same person at home and at work, despite the artificial shifts we make to feel safe, liked, and obtain success and safety.

How Compartmentalizing Values Undermines Self-Leadership

Brené Brown pressed further: “How does thinking about different values for different areas of our lives get in the way of the anchoring we need to do?”

Bethea responded: “Our values reflect what’s most important to us as a whole person. They inform our boundaries, decisions, and intrinsic motivation. Values are your truth, and like an anchor, they hold weight under pressure.

If values shift based on the room we’re in, you’re no longer anchored into your core truth. You’re unmoored and unstable. We look to external validation and judgment to inform us of who to be and who we’re becoming. This is the opposite of self-leadership.”

Aiko Bethea’s Framework: Aligning Intention with Impact

Bethea’s work focuses on the middle of the framework—aligning intention with impact. Brené Brown posed a tough question: “If my intention is reasonable and the impact that it has on someone is really tough, how do I get aligned without back-peddling or over-apologizing?”

She gave an example: A colleague interrupts me three or four times in a meeting, and I work with my coach to address this in a respectful and productive way.